Last night, I enjoyed dinner with my teacher and mentor Donnalynn Civello, the woman who shined a light on me over 6 years ago when I had come into her yoga class as a very timid yogi, when my life was a hot mess and I was completely disconnected from my mind and body. A time when I was very unhealthy and didn’t really know why my body was so off but had a light inside me that needed to be uncovered - she called me out on it. She’s seen me through a complete transformation, has been by my side through the hardest decisions of my life - leaving my cushy corporate job and a 6-year relationship to someone - and now, is one of my best friends. So when she sees me repeat the lessons I should have already learned, she speaks up, she has my back. She calls me out on the B.S. every single time. She won’t let me sabotage myself.
As humans, sometimes we don’t let ourselves enjoy all of the magic we deserve because we are scared of having everything we want - and then losing it all.
I have been blessed with a pretty awesome life. I’m deeply grateful for all of the abundance - a thriving wellness and yoga practice that just keeps on evolving in the sweetest ways, a full schedule of clients, loving students, an amazing and ever-expanding community, so many wonderful opportunities to collaborate, travel, and explore the world, a beautiful home and soon to be new home on the west coast...but one this is missing.
Perhaps it is the thing that I desire the most:
A loving relationship with a life-long partner who wants to share all of this with me, and share his life too.
The one who gets me and loves the work I’m doing, one who is doing his own work that he is so deeply passionate about, and one who wants to grow together, is honest, open, deeply committed to his own health and vitality, is in his power and is making the planet a better place through his generosity and compassion, and someday wants to start a family together.
There, I said it.
I’m so good at asking for everything I want - and getting it! That’s precisely why my life has been so charmed.
I’m not some superhuman - I just know the secret of manifesting.
I ask the Universe, I ask the people I need to ask in order to make things happen, and then I show up to my karmic assignments and do the work.
I’m a confident and driven woman. When I get a “no,” I let that door close and I accept that I need to keep doing my work, and that the “yes” is on it’s way in a better form when I show up and do the work I need to do. And that has served me well in every single aspect of my life.
Yet I haven’t shown up in this way in relationships. Every single situation, something has been stuck.
In my 6-year relationship, which I ended last December, I was with a man I loved very deeply, but our relationship could not work because we weren’t evolving together and I was so scared to speak up and communicate what I needed in the relationship.
I thought I had a pattern dating “emotionally unavailable” men. It was not them who were unavailable, it was my own voice which I was too afraid to speak.
I never asked for what I wanted - when it came to intimacy, emotional support, or just what I needed in order to feel heard and loved.
In my last relationship, I never told him how I was feeling, and I allowed all the emotions and feelings collect until finally they weighed me down so much that my body got very, very sick.
Why? I was just too scared to speak up.
Completely frightened to the point where I would sacrifice my own needs because I didn’t want to risk rejection, judgement, or an argument. So I completely put my own needs in the depths of my closet until finally I got so sick that I had enough.
But now, I have been repeating the lesson, the lesson I should have gotten in December when I packed my bags and moved out. I’m a strong woman, but sometimes my 5th chakra - communication - gets stuck.
The fear of speaking my truth and asking for what I want in relationships manifests as weight gain, a sluggish metabolism, and soreness around the butterfly gland in my neck - the thyroid.
Basically, holding my fear inside brings stress to my whole glandular system and when I don't release that stress by speaking freely, the blockages bring up my autoimmune hypothyroid symptoms.
It’s not crazy that energetically we are so aligned with our emotions that our physical bodies can either hurt or heal depending on how we are living our life. We see this every day with stress and how being chronically stressed affects our health.
The same concept holds true for the inability to express ourselves - creatively in our work, honestly with our business partners or clients, or in our relationships.
Before I left my 6-year relationship, I hadn’t gotten my period for 2 years.
I was doing everything right - or so I thought. I took every diagnostic test I could, blood tests, ultrasounds… I even thought I had cancer. Nothing was wrong, maybe a benign cyst or two but nothing to be concerned about down there - phew. I ate a fertility-boosting diet, took all the supplements recommended by my holistic OBGYN, of course practiced yoga every day, and surrounded myself with all my best girlfriends who were getting their period in hopes I would get mine too - since we women know that our flow sync up when we spend a lot of time together.
Until I left the relationship.
BOOM. Got my period a few weeks later on the NEW MOON on Christmas Eve. Divine clockwork.
A Christmas Miracle!
It was as if my body was saying “This was not the person to be fertile with, you were in a very unhealthy relationship. I’m not letting you even have the slightest chance of having a baby enter the world in this situation. Not a fat chance, honey.”
To me, this Christmas gift was clear evidence that the mind-body-soul connection really was something I needed to start listening to.
So now, when I feel my thyroid sluggish and that stubborn weight gain appear even when I’m doing all the right things nutritionally and through my super healthy lifestyle - I know it has nothing to do with how many avocados I did or didn’t eat.
Well, it totally makes sense that these symptoms are all manifestations of me not communicating to the men I have met since December… each situation the same thing: I have been afraid to speak up, to ask what he wants, to say what I want, or to simply just express my needs - or fears - around intimacy and commitment. So when any of the situations have gotten into the unclear zone, I have detached and let the situation fade away.
But I don’t do that with my career or any other aspect of my life!
Last night, my teacher shined a light right there, she called me out. She’s not letting me repeat this pattern with the next relationship - because clearly there is a very special dude who has been hanging out somewhere, waiting for me - I truly believe that.
He’s got to be there with his mala and yoga mat, waiting to take me out for some green juice and stay up late with a cup of chai talking about life under the stars…
But I will lose him without a doubt if I repeat and repeat and repeat this pattern of self-sabotage.
Have all the magical experiences in my life happened because I just take the backseat and watch the scenery, speechless? No way.
I am resolving this lesson, once and for all.
I owe it to my health.
I am worth it.
I know it won’t be easy, because it was a lesson that keeps repeating, and once we allow the lessons to repeat, they get that much harder to stop. I am ready and excited to meet the man who is so excited and ready to share all the magic of life together, who wants in just as much as I do. Who’s doing his work, and is ready to evolve together.
For that to happen, I absolutely have to communicate fearlessly.
I’ve got to speak up with conscious confidence.
We all do.